Zachary's Story

We have been together since 1987 and were married in June of 1991.  We had always dreamed of owning a nice house and having a family.  In August of 1998, we finally bought a house of our own. 

On Friday, February 19, 1999 I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive.  I couldn't believe it - we were going to have a baby!  I couldn't wait for Buddy to get home from work so I could tell him he was going to be a Daddy!  He was thrilled - our dreams were finally coming true!

On Monday I called my doctor and made an appt.  I thought they'd need to do a blood test to confirm, but the home tests are so accurate when they are positive, that they put me on pre-natal vitamins right away.  I still couldn't believe I was pregnant - I was so happy!  We were going to wait to tell people, but we were so excited that we told our family and friends right away.  Everyone was so happy - they'd been waiting a long time for us to have a baby.

My doctor's appointment went well and she scheduled an ultrasound for me at 6 weeks to confirm my due date and make sure everything was progressing as it should.  I went to the ultrasound not knowing what to expect and I didn't think they'd be able to see much.  I was surprised to see our little baby and a little heart beating away - it was amazing!  It really sunk in at that point - I was really pregnant!  My due date was October 30, 1999.

Over the next few months, everything went great.  I had minimal morning sickness and was just very tired, but no other problems.  My doctor was able to find the baby's heart beat at 13 weeks with the Doppler and it was nice and strong.  She never had trouble finding it at my appointments.  I took the AFP blood test for birth defects and that came back normal.  I passed the GTT test, no Gestational Diabetes.  No problems at all.

At 18 weeks we had another ultrasound to check growth and development and everything was perfect.  The technician thought the baby might be a boy, but we didn't see anything!  We didn't care, as long as the baby was healthy.  Since the tech wasn't positive, we told everyone not to go out and buy all blue!

We had so many plans for our baby.  We talked and dreamed about how great it was going to be when the baby arrived and how much fun the holidays would be with a new addition to the family.

In June we ordered the furniture for the nursery.  We had already bought the decorations and the theme was going to be Disney and Disney Babies.  We figured it was time to start working on the room.  The furniture would be in around the end of July.  It was all becoming very real - our baby would be here soon.

While we never took being pregnant for granted, at 6 months with all the tests showing us a perfectly healthy baby, we were feeling very confident.  Things only went wrong at this point when the baby or the mother wasn't healthy, right?  Nothing bad would happen now, we were feeling "safe".  How very wrong we were.

I had started feeling  fluttering movements around 20 weeks and some regular movements around 22-24 weeks.  I wasn't feeling strong kicks, but lots of wiggling and squirming.

On July 17 we went on vacation.  During the week I didn't feel much movement, but since I had just recently started feeling the baby consistently, at first I wasn't too worried.  I knew that babies turned and maybe was in a position where I couldn't feel much.  By the end of the week I was concerned.

When we came home on Saturday, July 24, I called the medical center.  The doctor on call said to come up to the hospital and she'd check things out.  I kept trying to convince myself everything was fine, but deep down inside, I had an awful feeling that everything was wrong.

We went to the Labor & Delivery Department at the hospital and the nurse tried to find a heart beat and was unsuccessful.  She said their equipment was more for full term babies and she'd get the small ultrasound machine they have.  She and the doctor tried to find a heartbeat and were still unsuccessful.  They were going to call in an ultrasound tech and send us for a regular ultrasound.  While they were both trying to be positive, we could tell they were worried.  The doctor said to us, "As you know we're having trouble finding the baby's heart beat.  This equipment is more for full term, that's why we're going to do the regular u/s before we come to any conclusions."  I could see in her eyes and hear in her voice that she knew something was very wrong, even if she wouldn't say it yet.  She left us alone for a while and we were too numb to say much and just sat there holding hands.  I don't remember how long we waited, I just kept trying to convince myself that everything would be ok.

We finally went down for the u/s.  The tech had the screen turned away, but we did get a glimpse of it and could tell the baby wasn't moving.  She searched for a heart beat, not saying a word and then went to get the radiologist.  The other doctor had stayed with us and I said to her, "She didn't find it, did she?"  The doctor just shook her head no.  At that moment our world shattered.  Our precious baby had died at 27 weeks.  The radiologist came in and he didn't find the heart beat either - he never said a word.  We went back up to L & D and the doctor left us alone for a while.

We just held each other and cried and cried.  I wanted so much for us to wake up from this nightmare, but we were already awake.  Our baby was dead.  We were devastated.  We were both in shock, how could this be happening, why was this happening to us?!  we called our families to tell them.  It was so hard - neither of us could talk we were crying so hard.  I cannot put into words the intensity of the pain that we were feeling.

The doctor came back after awhile to talk about what would happen next.  She said I could wait and talk to my regular doctor on Monday or they could start the induction that night.  I decided that we had to get this over with.  That night they put some inserts into my cervix made out of Japanese seaweed.  They absorb water and expand and would start forcing my cervix open.  The doctor packed these in with 5 gauze pads.  I was so numb and in shock, I barely felt any of it.  They sent us home and we were to go back at 8 am on Sunday to continue the induction.  I kept hoping all night that this really wasn't happening to us, but it was.  It was all real, all horribly real.

On Sunday morning we went back and they started me on Pitocin to induce labor.  It really didn't do much, so they moved up to inserting Prostaglandin suppositories near my cervix to continue the induction.  As well as inducing labor, they also cause vomiting, diarrhea and fever.  They gave me Immodium to prevent diarrhea and shots to prevent vomiting.  Luckily the Immodium worked, but every time they gave me one of the shots, I would get sick about a half hour later.   I ended up with a fever as well and they started giving me Tylenol for that.

They had removed the gauze, but left the seaweed inserts in and at some point during the day, my cervix dilated enough and they came out on their own.  The doctor continued with the Prostaglandin at intervals during the day.  I was having contractions and very painful back labor and couldn't get comfortable at all.  The nurses were wonderful and tried to comfort us as much as possible.  Sunday night I had an Epidural to help with the pain.  They also put in a catheter and then I couldn't get out of bed anymore.  I also had to be hooked up to the blood pressure machine constantly, heart monitors, oxygen monitors and oxygen while I slept.  I still had the IV in and the contraction monitors on.  Needless to say I didn't sleep very well.

Monday morning my regular doctor was on duty at the hospital.  She came in and hugged us and cried with us.  She continued with the Prostaglandin and I was more and more uncomfortable all day.  I was in and out of sleep all day and not really with it when I was awake.  Family and friends came by to visit.  I just kept thinking that this was all so unfair.  Going through all this pain and discomfort was supposed to be all worth it once you had your baby to take home - our baby was dead and this pain was all for nothing.  I kept hoping that somehow they had made a mistake and our baby would be born alive, even though I knew that was not possible.

Finally in the afternoon it was time to push.  The first push broke my water and my doctor just missed getting soaked.  A few more pushes and Zachary was born.  Pushing him out was actually the easiest part of the two days.  He was born at 4:05 pm on Monday, July 26, 1999.  It had been 44 hours since they started the induction - my body did not want to give up our baby.

My doctor gave him to me to hold.  He was so beautiful, so perfect, so quiet.  We held him and cried and looked him over to memorize every part of him.  The nurses took him to be weighed and measured while I delivered the placenta.  Luckily it came out intact so I did not have to have a D & C.  They brought Zachary back to us and one of the nurses sent our friend to buy a disposable camera.  They had taken Polaroids, but they didn't  come out well.  We're so grateful to that nurse - the pictures we have are our most treasured memento of our baby boy.  The nurses did his foot and handprints for us and made him his little ID bracelet.

He weighed 2 lbs. 8 oz. and was 13 3/4 inches long.  A minister from a local church came and baptized him.  He used a little shell to hold the water and he gave that to us with a certificate.  Our family and friends got a chance to hold Zachary and we have pictures of him with them.

The nurses cleaned me up and the Epidural and IV were removed.  My doctor said there was no reason I needed to stay overnight, but that we could stay with Zachary for as long as we wanted.  We spent about 5 hours with him.  It seemed like a long time then, but looking back it seems so short, it was not long enough.

The nurse that came on just before we left was so great.  She came in and wanted to know all about Zachary and talked to him.  She got a different little hat that tied under his chin because the little cap kept falling off.  She made sure we had all the mementos possible of him. 

Saying goodbye to him was so very hard.  We did not want to leave him, but knew we had to.  We kissed him goodbye and left him with the wonderful nurse who promised to take good care of him.  Leaving the hospital without our baby was awful - this was not how it was supposed to be!  Our dreams were shattered, our hearts broken, the pain unbearable.

We went to the funeral home the next day and arranged to have him cremated and we also arranged for a service so everyone could say goodbye.  We purchased a special box for his things and to keep his ashes in.  It is dark wood with a blue velvet lining and has a cherub aplique on top and a plaque on the front with his name and birthdate.  The furniture we ordered arrived 2 days after I delivered him.  His box has sat on the dresser since last July.

We had an autopsy done, but they did not find a cause for his death.  They had taken blood from me and tested it for everything, but all the tests came back normal.  We will never have an answer to the question we've asked so many times, "WHY?!"

We then had to somehow start putting the pieces of our lives back together without our precious little boy.